Gary Stu's Sex Adventures in the Seireitei
by tallgeese
Summary: A perfect, godlike, author-avatar character decides to use his ill-gotten superpowers for less than noble pursuits... Can the Bleach girls resist his charms? no... no they can't.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: As my small but heartwarmingly supportive group of fans has probably noticed by now, I tend to write any idea I have outlines for, publish the first few chapters, and then lose my motivation. College work has probably played a big factor in it, as well as personal upheavals. All the same, I apologize to those fans of my past stories. With the christmas break done I may set to writing the incomplete ones again, although the conclusion of the IchiUlqui fight kinda makes the AU quality of "For Every Dream Shattered" hard for me to overcome. In the meantime, I ask all to tell me what they think of this, my latest in a long line of Bleach fanfiction concepts. (though this one doesn't feature Orihime at its center... I've been told I feature her as my lead character too often, anyway.)

Parody Sue fics are a dime a dozen, I know, but I just had to try my suspiciously faux-British heart a the trade at least once. Be sure to tell me what you think! It's much shorter than my average(the intro chapter is only about 1000 words on its own,) but it's mostly, as the title suggests, to introduce readers to the main character.

**Gary Stu's Sex Adventures In the Seireitei**

**Chapter 1: Because what's the point of a story if you don't know the protagonist?**

There are a lot of souls in the Seireitei. Oodles and boodles, such as it were. As such, it stands to reason that by sheer dumb luck alone there should be at least one who was so immensely superior to all others that the universe would bend before them. Such a person able to run the fastest, climb the highest, hit the hardest, and to basically excel at so many difficult tasks that he would immediately cause anyone who witnessed his mastery to wonder why they bothered have confidence in themselves at all.

These characters aren't entirely unheard of, though most tend toward the female persuasion, and typically limit their use of such godlike powers to making the certain boy of their dreams act terribly out of character, and altering the plot until it revolves about them. Still, the male equivalent does not want for its fair share of examples, although none before bore quite the incredible skill and prowess of the man whose exploits I chronicle for you this day.

The young shinigami known only as... Honto Nippon-jin

Yes, this was a rarity amongst shinigami... a once in a bad fiction genius. Born to rich and affluent parents, he made his mark in history while in the process of being born: strangling his inner hollow with his own umbilical chord whilst being pushed from the birth canal, and gaining his vizard powers. Unfortunately for him, however, his zanpaku-to manifested itself around this time, as well... as a mighty zweilhander... and his mother died of traumas most likely relating to attempting to give birth to a ninety-pound, double-edged longsword. His father, upon seeing the condition of his beloved, died of a broken heart on the spot, possibly helped along by the jealousy he must have felt to see such a perfect epitome of manliness in so pure a state. It was this event that he would remember for his entire life (of course he could remember his birth, can't you?) and it always provided the emotional fuel he might occasionally require to angst in a sexy fashion.

From there, his notoriety only expounded. By the time of "turn back the pendulum," he was a wise-crackin' three year old, feared by all. Even though he had not yet mastered shikai, he still possessed strength enough to appear at the confrontation between Urahara and Aizen, effortlessly curb stomp the former, and set his plans back for decades. When Ichigo Kurosaki finished his invasion of the Soul Society some time later, Honto was just a young lad of sixteen.

When the Bleach universe tried to interject that his aging so slowly despite so much time passing would create a paradox, Honto was quick to remind it of who he was, and logic quickly bowed before him, and simply bribed him not to interfere with the plot, lest Ichigo realize he wasn't really the main character. Honto accepted, and passed his years like a carefree loose-canon who lives to do his own thing. He mastered Shikai and Bankai at random, when he was bored and had an afternoon free, but didn't become a shinigami, since aloof, emotionally distant rebels are the kinds of characters most fanfic writers prefer to identify with. He raised his mighty sword (an instrument of phallic foreshadowing, I must warn, and not compensation.) and cut down all who stood against him.

Indeed it wasn't until he had reached this point, during those tender teenage years, that the first problem of his life occurred. He was perfect. Almost frustratingly so. He looked exactly like how you, the reader, would picture a perfect man looking, complete with that voice you imagine when you're asked to imagine how a perfect man sounds. His skin was pale, except in those occasions that the reader might prefer him tan, during which he quickly developed the melanin in his skin until he reached the perfect hue (if multiple readers saw him at the same time, he would choose his tone based on who the most appealing reader at the time was.) He even sparkled in the sunlight. Yes, he could so effortlessly obtain anything his heart desired... and because of this his life felt empty and meaningless.

...Then he hit puberty.

It turns out that the Bleach universe isn't a bad place to be if you happen to be a physically perfect and flawless example of epic manhood, as it has a variety of girls that one could not hope to find anywhere else. Few other places, even in the worlds of manga and anime, had female characters with such comically inflated assets, and while he wasn't a fan of that particular fetish, Honto had to admit that the sheer consistancy of it amongst the girls of bleach was a bit of a turn on.

While the female Mary-Sues of the world might content themselves with stealing the heart of that one special guy, killing his canonical girlfriend out of spite, and becoming the center of everything that ever happens from that point on, only a male could use such superpowers for that ultimate ambition: sharing a bed with as many different women as frequently as possible.

It would likely prove another trifling distracting from his mundane perfection, but as most who have experienced the deed will attest, time spent having sex is always better than time spent not, so it was still motivation enough to have him wake up one day and announce "I'm going to become a shinigami!"

So it was that he joined the Seireitei, preparing to embark on the least noble quest ever chronicled in fanfiction. He was allowed to pass with little conflict, since he's actually a surprisingly charming fellow, and after displaying his bankai (which had no form, and instead transformed into whatever would be perfectly suited to defeating the opponent he faced. This is a trend amongst all shinigami, however, and so none noticed it) he was appointed captain of ninth squad on the spot.

This brings the readers to the point where the story begins, and acquaints the reader with all they need to know about our hero beforehand. Fair warning to all who read onward: your gender will not save you from falling for this man. Nor will your sexual preferences. He is the quintessence of charm, and exists as much as a symbol for sexuality as he does for manliness. If the prospect of having your heart stolen by the most perfect being to ever be created frightens you, it may be best to turn back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Introductions and lists! Why in God's name are short people always so angry?**

"So, this is the seat of third division. Here is where you'll be staying." Kira Izuru's voice was as melancholic and dispassionate as ever. He and Honto were standing outside the gates of a large and very important-looking building, where Honto could only imagine that virtually nothing fun would ever happen. He made a mental note to spend as little time as possible there, since anything so menial that it had to be done in an office could surely be done by someone less vital to the plot than he was.

"I see! That's ever-so interesting, Kira-person." He said in his usual, overly-enthusiastic manner. His mood tended to fluctuate between light and comical and deep and brooding, based upon which persona would make him cooler and more appealing at the time. It was an emotional range so varied and unpredictable that it could barely be considered human, but bearing in mind that he was created by an especially lazy writer, this can be hand waved with his demi-god status, and then never mentioned again. Honto concluded his first thought with the curious, "Can you show me the rest of this place?"

"You... want to see all of the seireitei?" Kira asked, a little shock crossing his usually stoic face.

"Yes! Precisely! I've never been here before, and I want to scout things out for my diabolical scheme."

"Diabolical scheme?"

"uh-huh." Came Honto's reply. He reached into the folds of his newly acquired haori, pulling a leather-bound notebook and brandishing it as though the gesture should serve to make all confusion regarding his words disappear. Kira simply sighed in defeat and turned forward.

"...as you wish, Niponjin-Taichou." He began to lead the taller man throughout the town. Honto had to admit that the seireitei seemed like a much more exciting place than he had first thought when he rejected the idea of becoming a shinigami in his childhood. The buildings were a bit uniform, but that was to be expected from a military facility. There were things much more important than architecture, anyway! Like women... yes, if there was one thing the tour he and Izuru would spend the morning performing could accomplish, it was to give him a chance to finally scout out his prospective targets for seduction.

One thing that he had seriously underestimated was precisely how many women the shinigami had to offer. He didn't get the chance to firmly acquaint himself with many of them, as Kira seemed inordinately hurried to make it through the entire campus, but at the very least it gave him time to scribble their basic information down in his sex notebook. He created a column for each girl, in order of bust size and personality type, and tried to find at least a sentence of observation he could use to help him plan his strategies. It was an activity that went unnoticed by virtually everyone, since shinigami are a naturally trusting people.

By the time Kira and Honto finally sat down for lunch, Honto had made his acquaintances with Unohana, ('seems motherly... perhaps experienced?') Isane, ('how can a girl with such a developed figure be so naïve?') Yachiru, ('umm... I think I'll pass for a few decades.') Kiyone, ('I take it back... compared to her sister, Isane-person is the poster child of maturity') and Soi Fon ('...I begin to suspect that I may lack the chromosomal symmetry needed to appeal to her... but I suppose I'll try anyway.)

They finally stopped for food when they came upon an undisturbed meadow, with Honto bouncing up and down excitedly at his new adventure. For the time, they sat spread out on the grass, eating rice balls which the new captain had perfectly prepared.

"Are you satisfied for the day, Taichou?" Izuru asked. He was as polite as ever, though his voice betrayed his fatigue. Honto responded with a vigorous head shake, as his mouth was full, and he was a man of good manners. Once he swallowed, he elaborated on his gesture.

"Not at all! Aren't we only about halfway done?"

"Well, not really... all that's really left is fifth division, tenth division, an-" He cut himself off as he spied something in the distance. Honto followed his gaze to the pink kimono-clad figure of Shunsui Kyoraku emerging from the nearby woods. His prim and proper assistant, Nanao, ever by his side, greeted the two young men with cold courtesy, whereas Shunsui himself rather openly hailed them.

"Hello, hello! It's good to see you again, Kira. Is this the new captain, then?" His cheeks were rosey, and an observant eye could tell he was probably less sober than one in his position ought to be. This information was lost on Honto, however, who hadn't went through all the trouble of joining the shinigami to make witty observations about the men, and instead delighted himself with scribbling some nefarious scrap of information or another into his notebook.

"Yes, that's right, Taichou. I get the feeling that all the significant events in our lives will somehow be centered around him from now on." Kira affirmed. Shunsui gave Honto a long glance.

"I see... He seems strong... and sexy... and generally awesome. I look forward to working with him."

"Aww, I'm blushing here!" Beamed Honto. It sometimes seemed like the entire reason he existed was to absorb praise and admiration from those around him, so times like these filled him with a strong desire... to remove his shirt.

So it was that he leaped to his feet, casting aside the robes of his haori and letting all within eyesight bask in the unrivaled splendor that was his bare chest. His pale skin sparkled perfectly in the sunlight, cool and pristine like...umm... chrome, I guess. Yes. His chest was a lot like chrome, only not so silver, since that wouldn't be sexy, and he was definitely sexy. His muscles were firm, perfect and hard, and made his torso large and imposing like the front of a van, which, coincidently, can occasionally be made out of chrome.

Such a splendorous sight this was that for a moment all in his presence could do nothing but stare, wondering silently whether they would ever again witness something so incredible. The sunlight reflected in Honto's perfect pure blue orbs... which caused him pause for a moment as he tried to remember where the devil his eyes went, and how he came to possess orbs in the first place. The summer breeze brushed against his perfectly perfect abs, which would likely be glistening with sweat, if indeed he were capable of doing something as naturally abhorrent as sweating.

In short... he was perfect.

It took several moments for anyone to do anything after this had passed. Shunsui finally broke the amazed silence with a sigh.

"Wow... what a pointlessly gratuitous scene." He said, shaking his head. Nanao stood beside him, blushing furiously.

"W-we can't afford to be late again, Shunsui-taichou..." She mouthed, averting her eyes lest the sheer perfection before her cause her to fall from her established character.

"Ah, of course, Nanao-chan. Well, see ya later." He waved to Kira and Honto, and the two began to walk away. Kira waved them off gloomily, turning his eyes to the heavens and speaking to someone.

"You... really spent two solid paragraphs describing a man's chest in a lustful way. It says things about you I'd prefer not to think about." Kira's voice was a little mocking, something that seemed rather out of character for him.

...

...

...

Okay, allow the author to vent for a second here. There's a kind of character he really cannot stand... and it's the kind of character who breaks the fourth wall for no purpose other than to point out the clearly misguided interpretation that there were some sort of homo-erotic undertones to the purple prose he spent all of an hour coming up with. Honto's body is clearly based on his, since the only place where the splendor and majesty of a ripped bod like his could ever find a proper vent was in a fanfiction, attributed to a character with no discernible flaws. There's nothing gay about admiring one's self. Shame on you for thinking otherwise.

...

Sadly, the time the author spent ranting couldn't be spent on narration, and as a result the characters have moved without attention being called to it. When the lens of narration finally returned to the duo of young men, they had appeared before the headquarters of fifth division, which would effectively be the final stop in Honto's tour. A duo of shinigami, introduced to Honto as Toshiro Hitsugaya and Rangiku Matsumoto, stood before the door with Momo Hinamori, who currently acted as the captain of the fifth squad.

"Good day Rangiku-san, Hinamori-san, Toshiro-taichou." Izuru said in greeting, bowing to them in a warmer and friendlier manner than he did to most people. Honto, on the other hand, was thunderstruck by the sight of Rangiku Matsumoto. It wasn't out of lust that he was frozen, though the reader can't be faulted for thinking so, given Rangiku's reputation amongst the fandom. Rather, it was a sheer, indescribable mixture of incredulity and fear.

Rangiku Matsumoto's breasts were an aberration of common sense, and perhaps the only element in all of the bleach universe more unlikely than Honto himself. Honto was no stranger to large breasts, but using an adjective as nondescript as "large" to describe Rangiku's endowments would be as grievous an understatement as to use the word "wet" to describe the ocean. Her's was a chest so alien in its size that a small portion of Honto feared that her breasts may develop their own sentience, grow teeth, and attempt to devour him. Still, he couldn't bring himself to pass on her as a potential bedmate, so in his notebook he simply scribbled for himself the helpful note of 'try not to get pulled into their orbit...'

Fortunately, there was another girl present, so the paranoia Honto was beginning to foster subsided in short order. Momo Hinamori returned Kira's greeting.

"It's been a long time, Kira." She said, beaming happily at the being reunited with so many of her childhood friends. She regarded Honto in short order, looking at him curiously. "Is this your captain?"

"Oh. Yes, that's right. This is captain Honto Niponjin... I'm sure the name is symbolic somehow. He's been making the rounds and meeting people today." Upon being introduced, Honto bowed respectfully.

"I see. It's a pleasure to meet you, Honto-taichou. My name is Momo Hinamori."

"Good to meet you, Momo-person! What a cute addition to my sex notebook you'll be!" Honto replied. I suppose I should point out that he entirely intended for this to be a friendly greeting. So long as the reader understands this, then they should also be able to understand his confusion when the temperature of the area seemed to drop several degrees, as waves of aggression radiated in subtle degrees from both Hitsugaya and Kira.

"'Sex notebook'" Both shinigami mouthed in united wonder before Hitsugaya took an involuntary step between Momo and Honto, adding to the wonder with a question of his own. "Just what are your intentions with Momo?"

"Intentions? My ambition is to eventually have sex with her, of course! Rangiku-person, too. I'm a very fair admirer of the female body, you see..." He replied simply, seeing no harm in honesty, and again surprised to find that for some reason the aggresion toward him was growing stronger. Why anyone would have a grudge against him for any reason was baffling, since he was always so wonderful. Still, he eventually put two and two together, and came to the only logical conclusion regarding the young shinigami's anger.

"Oh! I see now! Rest assured, Hitsugaya-person. I only want to have sex with her. Perhaps repeatedly, and perhaps with multiple other partners simultaneously. I have absolutely no interest in forming a meaningful emotional bond or romantic attachments to her, so if that's what you want, I won't interfere at all!"

...This didn't quite have the calming effect he hoped it would, and he quietly began to wonder how his people skills could have gotten so bad in all his decades of living alone. Hitsugaya's hand went to his sword, and even Kira was being more open in his aggression than a guy like him usually would.

"You son of a bitch..." Hitsugaya uttered deeply, drawing his sword a few inches from its sheath.

"Umm... I-I'm standing right here..." Momo uttered miserably, an intense blush coloring her face. Hitsugaya took a step forward, an act which had the unfortunate side effect of sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs no other character had noticed beforehand, and which served no logical purpose in being there, as they were all standing in the middle of a street. Hitsugaya crashed against the end of the chapter roughly, breaking several bones. Honto was beside himself with guilt, sorry that he had gotten Hitsugaya so angry, and wondering silently to himself whether a quick temper was his way of compensating for being such a shorty...


End file.
